Snap Hiss
by LadyZelthePen
Summary: Sam does some reflecting while Dean sleeps. No slash; lots of angst. Complete.


**Snap Hiss**

Dean had passed out an hour ago. If he hadn't been so dead on his feet, he might have argued about who was driving. But it didn't matter; his brother hadn't given much of a fuss about his car. He'd taken the passenger side, leaning his head against the window. Neither one bothered to talk. In any other circumstance, maybe it would have bothered them, especially Dean. Dean always had something to say.

Sam clicked on the turn signal and focused on making the turn for the interstate. It was late; good thing, he supposed. No one else around to be distracting. The interstate was habited by freight trucks and a few passenger cars, no doubt late night workers. He kept his gaze fixed on the road, switching lanes when necessary. His mind worked on auto; he blinked once, and saw the snarl of flames again consuming-

He gritted his teeth and clenched his hands tighter around the steering wheel. Dean stirred slightly and mumbled in his sleep. Sam glanced at him again; still out. No matter how much he forced the ugly thoughts away, they persisted, taunted him with whispers. _This is where you belong._

"I didn't want this," he whispered. His voice sounded strange, an edge of desperation creeping in his tone. "I never wanted this."

It had always been his dad's thing, and his dad had dragged Dean into it all. If it weren't for the pictures, Sam wouldn't have even remembered his mom. Some days it bothered him; if that thing hadn't killed his mom, they would have been a happy, normal family. Not deranged and hunting things no one else dared believe in. Other days he refused to think about it. He was normal. He didn't go "hunting" with his dad and brother; he hadn't for a couple years. He had friends. He went to school. He had Jessica.

Again, her face flashed in his mind. Pretty features frozen in silence, and then burning burning burning.

He couldn't even remember her before that. Too recent, too recent, his mind wouldn't think about her before.

It wasn't fair- Jessica had been everything good and normal in the world, and he'd only wanted a taste of that. How he'd managed to get a girl like her….some days he still couldn't believe it. How ironic the one thing that made him feel safe and normal could be ripped away in the briefest of moments, just like his mom.

He thought about her; Sam didn't know her, not like Dean and his dad did, but he thought about her. He saw her smiling back at him from those old pictures, and he wondered if it had hurt much. Had she been scared? He didn't remember that night, except sometimes his childhood dreams were plagued by screaming and fire. Was it the same for her as it had been for Jessica? Had they known what was happening? Did they even have time to be frightened, to scream for help?

Sam looked back at the road in time to see the car in front of him come to a stop. He slammed on the brakes, his seatbelt locking so he didn't hit the steering wheel. Dean lurched forward, snapping awake with a curse.

"Sam, if you've ruined my car, I'm going to kill you!" Dean punched him in the shoulder, harder than he probably knew. His breathing was labored, heart rate no doubt accelerating from panic.

"I'm sorry, okay? Just…I'm sorry." Sam forced his hands to relax their grip on the wheel, and he kept his gaze forward. "Its fine, we're fine. We're all fine."

Silence reigned. Dean slumped back against the seat, his arms folded across his chest.

"Was this how you felt?" His voice felt small, and Sam swallowed. "After mom? Like you just wanted to kill everything for taking something so… something so good?"

"…yeah. Listen, I'm sorry about your girl."

Sam nodded once. The line of cars in front of him started to move; he pushed the gas lightly. "We're going to find dad."

"I know." Dean was quiet. "Do you want me to drive now? I feel okay."

"No, I've got it."

It gave him something concrete to hold onto, something to focus on other than Jessica's flame-wreathed face. He swallowed. Just like the flames that had taken her from him, every dream he'd had about a normal, happy life had dissolved like ash.

He wondered if that's how his dad felt on that night.


End file.
